Recently I found some posts on Reddit
asking questions such as “Girls, what are some things guys should
not be insecure about?” and “Guys, what are some things girls
should not be insecure about?” They are quite interesting to read
because you can discover the things most people are insecure about
and see how it relates to yourself.
For context, here are some of the
most common things guys and girls are insecure about, in which the
opposite sex assures they should not be, based on the comments in the
threads:
Guys:
Intelligence (not knowing something)
Hair (baldness)
Facial hair (not able to grow beard)
Penis size (not big enough)
Liking feminine things or appearing
feminine
Showing feelings or emotions / crying
Weight (too fat or too skinny)
Height (too short)
Girls:
Making the first move
Intelligence (appearing too smart)
Body hair
Breast size or shape
Periods
Hair style / appearance
Weight (too fat or too skinny)
Height (too tall)
Being seen without makeup / nails done
Age (getting older)
After reading over the posts, one of
the main takeaways was that people should not be insecure about all
these things because other people really don't care as much as we
think they do. Another finding was that many of the things you might
feel insecure about are actually liked or valued by others.
We tend to be our own worst critic and
we see every small detail about ourselves and it's easy to get into a
negative mindset about any little flaw or imperfection. Then we might
think that the whole world sees us in this way when in fact they
probably don't even notice at all or if they do, it not a big deal to
them.
Based on the number of times these
kinds of questions have been asked, it is clear that many people
struggle with insecurity. Feeling this way can really bring you down
and hurt your self esteem. So how can one overcome these thoughts and
feel better about themself?
I think the answer is simply that you
have to learn to be happy with yourself and be accepting of who you
are. This is easier said than done. You really have to believe that
you are ok with who you are in order to overcome the things that are
causing you to feel insecure.
A viewpoint that gets brought up is
that while others might not care about the thing that is making a
person insecure, that person still feels insecure about it
themselves. People can tell you there is no reason to feel bad about
whatever is bothering you, but until you believe it yourself, it will
continue to be something you struggle with.
So the question is, if all these things
we are insecure about are actually not a big deal, why are we
insecure about them? I think the reason is a combination of
conditioning by society as well as human nature which causes us to be
judgmental. We see other people in the world and we make judgments
about them just based on how they look.
In terms of society and media, we have
shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette which create unrealistic
expectations about what potential suitors are supposed to look like.
They go through thousands of applications and select what they think
are the most attractive and desirable people to be on the show.
Of course the people they select are
very good looking and this conveys a message that you have to look
like these people in order for people to like you. Then you take a
look in the mirror and realize you don't look like the people on the
show and it makes you feel bad. This is an example of how we are
influenced by the media, but I believe we as humans have a natural
tendency to make judgments based on what we see.
One might say it is bad to judge people
based on their appearance without getting to know them. I agree, in
an ideal world, you should not “judge a book by its cover” but in
the real world, we don't have the time or opportunity to get to know
every single person we see. Just going out into the world, you may be
around hundreds of people in a day. It's not possible to sit down and
have an in-depth conversation with every person, so you have to use
the knowledge you have to make quick judgments based on what you see.
An example of this would be when
looking for a potential boyfriend/girlfriend. When out in the world,
you might unconsciously scan everyone you pass or interact with and
make quick judgments about if there would be any potential for a
relationship based on what you see. You might look for things like
age, attractiveness, style, signs of availability, and demeanor.
These things then act as a filter for
if there is potential for a relationship with that
person. If they pass the quick filter test, you may be more open to
interacting with them vs if they do not pass the filter, you may have
no interest to get to know them.
I think because
of this and the desire to be liked and accepted by other people is
the reason we fear judgment and in turn end up becoming insecure
about what we believe are things about ourselves that are not good
enough.
So which mindset is correct? On one
hand, we live in a judgmental society that puts a lot of value on the
way we look. On the other hand, people are saying that these things
are not really a big deal and that we shouldn't worry about them. I
think you have to keep both viewpoints in mind and realize that yes,
you may be judged on things, but at the same time, you should not
allow these things to bring you down or make you feel bad about
yourself.
Also keep in mind that you are not
defined by one thing. Everyone has things they wish they could change
or could be different. The truth is there are so many things that
make us who we are. Even if there are a few things you might be
unhappy with, there are plenty of other things about you that are
likable. Also everyone has different opinions on what they like and
dislike. Something you don't like about yourself may in fact be a
thing that someone actually does like.
Overall, I think the best advice when
it comes to insecurity is to learn to be happy and accepting of who
you are. Once you have achieved this, it can be freeing and can
translate into self confidence which itself is an attractive quality.
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